She showed me an emoji with flower petals falling off the flower and said it resembles her soul.
After the talk…
I realised that maybe everyone of us has a flower inside us. It grows and feeds on positivity and joy to grow and shine.
But maybe with every sigh, every heart aches and emotional abuse that happens, a petal or 2 drops.
And at the end of the day.. we’re probably a wilted flower or a bright flower.
But don’t worry.
Every day is a new CHANCE.
Every day our flower blooms again into a new flower in hopes it’d be a better day.
And it will never stop growing each day without fail even though its a bad week, the flower keeps on going, keeps on hoping for a new chance every next day.
So, if things don’t work out today, we start over. We try and keep trying to make it better because the flower in us will never stop
Hye, Hello, I know I’ve been MIA-ing for super super long I dont know if I have people that are actually waiting for updates but if there is I am so so so sorry.
Hear me out.
This new life… This university life has been so so so tiring. I’m not even supposed to be busy blogging or enjoy because my finals is on Monday and I haven’t studied anything at all because eventhough it was my study-week, I had replacement classes and lots presentations. So, I’m finally done with that but there’s still Finals to come….and its so near.
I’m really worried I don’t have enough time and I just hope I pass. I really don’t want to retake anything hahaha. I just want to MOVE ON.
like what Ariana Grande says ” thank you,next”. Thank you for this semester, NEEEXXXXTTT.
Anyway,other than that, generally, I’ve been doing well I guess. I mean… is anyone ever doing good because life has lots of tricks up its sleeves and its a HUGE complicated roller coaster ride.
But overall, I guess I learned more, I appreciate more and I try more.
One of the recent realisation is that…
I should never put my happiness on someone. I also realised that I’m stronger being single. I realised that my emotions are my weakness, so its better to not engage in things that requires delicate emotions involved, such as love. And by that I mean relationships.
I’ll still have love for everything except being in love with a guy.
Well, I’m not exactly quitting the game and decide to be single forever and live with 10 cats (I can imagine my allergy being 10x worse……not good).
I’m just taking a break. I shouldn’t be wasting my youth hurting over and over again just because of some guy.
So now I’m just appreciating the company I have,especially my uni friends. THEY ARE AMAZING. I honestly don’t know how they put up with me but if “thank you’s” were in forms of cookies, I’d get them a hugeee basket full of it.
Also, I’ve started this new thing…….
Is not exactly a challenge, but I call it a challenge anyway.
I’d try to do new things for a week and see how it goes. If its good, I go on. If its not, then I stop.
Like umm.. Before this I’d straightened my hair every time after I wash it because curly hair is just…….. ALOT. (curly haired girls out there, I FEEL YOU)
But I decided to stop fighting back and just embrace it instead. And for that one week…it was kind of tough but IT DID spare me more energy and time. After awhile.. My hair started looking nice. I finally realise that my hair is actually pretty (Took me awhile… I know).
So now, my curls are more healthy and pretty although still WILD but..curly hair just comes with it no matter what.
SO, I do these “challenges” to keep gaining more benefits. Like, say, my confidence, my bravery and learning more about myself.
Bottom line, I’m trying to make peace and be fully tuned with myself. I want to fully embrace “ME”. I want to find happiness within.
Its not an easy journey. You don’t fully understand or learn about yourself in a day or two. It takes awhile because you keep changing. And maybe we will never fully understand ourselves but atleast… what we have helps alot.
Anyway, I think I might have ran out of what I initially planned to say (this is what happens when you’ve left blogging in a long time).
It’s getting late so I’m gonna sleep and I hope y’all have a great rest or a great day ahead!
So, on 28th of August, I completed my 2nd day of orientation at my new school (a.k.a University) .
So I’m just going to hope y’all know what orientation is.
I was very very nervous and excited to start Uni because I am DEFINITELY over the phase of just lazing around at home and having nothing to do and just being so unproductive. I literally wanted to be back in school (I know…that is sooo not me but…well…I was kinda desperate).
So the day finally came and when my mum dropped me off, I walked inside while convincing myself it was going to be okay, I was going to change. I will be friendly (despite being a really shy person), I will TRY to talk, and I told myself maybe it wasn’t going to be that bad. Blablabla all that mental pep talk, you get the gist.
So I got into the room where the briefing and activity is held,and the moment I stepped in… to be honest, I went “oh shit.”
When I said I wanted to be in a Uni where it has more diversity in races I didn’t mean ME, being among the only 3 or 4 Malays there.
I can GUARANTEE that 80% of them were Chinese and 16% were Indian and the rest is….. my race.
This is when the phrase ” be careful for what you’ve wished for ” hit to me like a truck.
But, ya know, I woke up with a positive mindset so, I brave myself through it.
So, all the way from the morning until the lunch break I was ABSOLUTELY ALONE.
The minute I got to the student lounge for lunch…. that was the second “oh shit” of the day.
Almost all the places are taken up and people are sitting with their own races or friends. So I just immediately felt like I can’t do this. So I went to see my consultant which is a REALLY sweet lady and she even offered to sit with me at the student lounge but I was…ya know.. it felt kinda awkward, but anyway, she had some work to do so she couldn’t accompany me. So after meeting her I picked up my really heavy courage that fell to the floor and walked back to the student lounge. And by that time there was more empty spaces since most of them were done with lunch. The nearest table had a few empty seats and I dragged my feet to ask if the seat was taken. It wasn’t. So I sat there and made a bit of a conversation with this Indian girl that seemed familiar. (oh I forgot to mention there were 2 Indian girls and an Indian guy at the table).
But that was it. Just small talks and they continued talking in their language completely ignoring me. The awkwardness level was OFF the chart! I spammed text my best friend which was states away, just so it seems like I’m busy on the phone. A few moments later, they got up and left the table and I WAS ALONE AT THE TABLE.
My heart was pounding. I felt like a spotlight was shone on me with like a capital ‘LONER’ on top of my head.
Also I forgot to mentioned that I was there since 9am and it ended at 4pm. And the only thing I had for breakfast was 3 cookies and a small piece of chocolate and water.
There were food but because I was too much of a coward and the immense shyness over me, I didn’t eat. I just took a cup of orange juice, and that was it.
So I sat there alone on my phone,with an empty cup in front of me just feeling anxious UNTIL, a girl approached me and asked if I wanted to check out the club booth.
At that moment I thank the LORD for helping me. And ofcourse I was like ” yea sure”.
And since then, we’re friends. Also I made another 2 friends over the span of those 2 days. 2 Eurasian and 1 Iban. I AM DELIGHTED. And all of them are super awesome and nice to be with, and we even have a group chat now :’)
So, fast forward,basically, what happened after that, we had some briefing and speech and we did some activities with our seniors for like HOURS! It was challenging for someone like me but at the end of day two, I felt great.
So what I want to say here is that..
You know how people always say the Uni life will change you?
I’m going to make that a reality.
I will use these years to change myself.
It’s time for me to push myself and step out of my comfort zone and be the best I can, also being someone that I’ve always wished I could be.
I know I used to think that I should find myself a great prince charming and have a happily ever after…….
I’m trying to change and correct that.
I no longer will think of marriage until I’m done with my studies and get a job and be financially stable.
I’m gonna try to achieve what I want,spend time and money on myself,go see the world and once I’m done, I’ll settle down.
I really want to just focus on studies and improving myself and be independent.
I don’t want to be tied down to any commitments unless its to myself.
I don’t want to just find the love of my life,get married and have kids….that just won’t suffice.
It just doesn’t feel like its enough.
I want to do good to myself. Its time to put myself first.
I’m not gonna go through hell and not have time to spend on myself. That’s just not gonna happen.
I realised that teens in my country thinks that finding a great man and getting married is the biggest achievement and you could be content with that. I’m guilty of thinking the same but I realised that…
Its not right. That shouldn’t be a goal.
Your goal is supposed to be FOR YOU. Something that benefits YOU.
*writers block is here to stay* *suddenly blank*
Anyway, I’ll try my best to focus on my goals and studies. And I know one day,life happens and maybe I won’t be able to do what I wanted and maybe life puts me in a path where I have to be married first, then achieve my goals…who knows…anything can happen.
But until then…. this will be my new goal that I really want to achieve.
I can’t believe there are still parents that would marry their daughter off!
Now I’m talking bout this topic because it is something close to me and let me just be frank…….
Sadly,this is happening to me.
I’m so young. I want to further my studies, I want to pursue my dreams, I want to get a great job,I want to live my life independently, I wan to enjoy my single life,maybe go traveling and then..lastly, I’ll think of settling down with a person whom I truly love and when I’m financially stable and maybe think of having my own kids.
Marriage is not something you can force someone to just dive in and expect to be okay.
Its a lot of responsibilities. A LOT.
I’m not just gonna be tied down to a man and be forced to be his maid. I will not stay home cleaning up after him and looking after him. NO NUH UH NOT HAPPENING!!
I will only do that because I love him and I WANT to.
Its sad to know that my parents still have an outdated mindset.
You could be fine with doing that back in your age but I’m someone else, we are DIFFERENT.
And if you think I’m incapable of finding a nice guy by myself then clearly you don’t know me well.
I know who I want to be with rather than be with someone who I don’t even know. How should I love him??
I just CAN’T!! JUST STOP!
Reason why I’m so stressed out is because I was so close to be married off. I prayed so hard the guy wouldn’t accept me. And THANK GOD he didn’t.
I will not let my freedom and independence be taken away from me. I shall not conform.
*sighs* honestly I’m so done.
If this thing persists, I might just run away from home. I can’t respect someone who won’t respect me. Even though I love them so much and I have tried being such a good daughter… I just can’t….
It’s too much.
Also there’s actually a lot more I could talk about but I don’t think my fingers can keep up. I could make a whole 3 chapter.
Yesterday, I came across a girl saying how a guy shouldn’t be wearing make up and acting like a girl because its inappropriate to be acting like the opposite sex.
I think its rude.
He can wear whatever he wants and dress however he wants and wear make up if he wants to. Whats so wrong with that? You can’t stop a person from doing what they want unless, its utterly wrong or illegal but it’s his right to act however he wants (not referring to any criminal acts or disrespecting a woman).
If he chose to be gay or bisexual, that’s NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. It doesn’t disturb you neither is it suppose to offend you. Its HIS CHOICE.
I was just going to ignore the fact that today is the last day of 2017 but, I thought I’d document the things I went through this year and how it taught me.
Truth is… I hate new years. I was depressed one new year’s day and ever since that new year reminds me of that sad feeling of not accomplishing anything and not improving and not being better and all these negative stuffs.
But this year..
I think its time I turn around and look towards the bright lights that’s shone down on my path of life instead of focusing on the storms and hurricane it brought.
Through this year I felt like I’ve learnt to appreciate more. Be it people or things. But especially people.
I’ve come to terms that people are bound to leave so I’ll be okay when they do. But whoever is still here and was here, they have once meant something to me and I’ve loved them endless. I wish them the best in life and to be successful and happy.
…and to find someone that loves them better than I did (to my exes). 😉
Also, I think I’ve matured.
I’ve learnt to trust in God and believe in Him and have faith in Him.
If I face a challenge which is far from what I asked..surely I’ll be pissed. But then I think again…
God is testing my faith in Him. Because He wants to know if I’ll still be faithful even knowing that He is testing me and also to see how patient I can be.
And quite a few times after I’ve “accepted” his tests, usually things turn out better.
And also, I’ve thought about how He is the only one that I can ask for anything or to wish for some magic to happen. Because there is no one better than Him. He holds the strongest power and capability.
And that is what made me more at peace and made me a better person, somehow. (hopefully)
My advise would be, for anyone.. No matter what religion you are in, if you have a God, have faith in Him. Try to believe in Him. And I’ll pray for all of you to have a better life despite the struggles and be at peace.
In the love sector… hmm…
I definitely learnt A LOT.
And I’ve taken a break from loving anyone. or being in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere.
And I think this has been going on for over 6 months.. which is GREAT. Considering I used to keep needing to talk to guys and have a guy.
Through this journey I’ve learn to be more confident and to love myself more than ever. I made my imperfects or flaws, beautiful by ACCEPTANCE. And also making the best of it. I’ve tried to be comfortable with how I am and be happy with how I look like regardless if I’m a bit chubby or have acne or really wild hair.
I’m done with being with people just because I need attention and affection. Its time to quit the childs play and focus on myself and I believe He will find me a great partner. InshaAllah.
I’m both scared and excited for what a new year will bring me. But as long as I have my loved ones around me to always support me… I think I’ll be okay.
Next year is a year I’ve waited for. I’ve finally graduated and I’m going to be a pre-adult soon and be immersed into the adult world and be more independent and ready for anything.
Gosh.. I really hope I’ll be okay.
Its raining again and its cold and I’ve had a tiring day coming back from a trip,so…
Lastly, best wishes to 2018.
May I keep my faith, be a good girl, keep doing the good things, avoiding the bad things, improving myself, stay sane (hahaha), be a good daughter, be ready for whatever it is,try to be an optimist,and keep loving myself.
Also may I find a great guy………. (hehehe).
HAPPY NEW YEARS TO EVERYONE AND MAY ALL OF YOU HAVE A BLAST AND START OFF YOUR YEAR WITH A SOMETHING GREAT!!
As I’m typing this, I’m sipping on my “first-time” vanilla milkshake!
Anyone who knows would definitely know that I love vanilla.
Its simple and has a really soft sweet taste to it; just indescribable.
So I went to the store the other day and I thought to myself, ‘why not I get some vanillaa icecream?’. So I grabbed a cheap small pint of vanilla icecream and since I have full cream milk which I need to finish soon, so the milkshake idea came along.
Its super easy to make and it isn’t too sweet. Just nice and creamy. Also, I added a few drops of vanilla essence for the taste, but its optional.
Will I be making more of this in the near future? Hell yes!