I don’t know why but at times I jut feel a shift in my mood and I just feel this heavy feeling in my chest.
And I don’t know how to get rid of this aching feeling. I’m not sure and I really don’t know whats causing it.
Could it be because I’ve been strong for too long that when I relapse, my heart just dysfunctions and spirals out of control?
However, I think its because… my safe space is taken and my personal space is intruded.
People would never understand how something is really important to you and just dismisses your feelings as being “childish”.
And I definitely HATE it when people dismisses my feelings. Makes me feel like…
I’m wrong for being this way. I’m too emotional I’m weak for being this way, like I’m some pathetic person and that being this way is wrong.
And the sad part is sometimes I give in and I take in those words and I hurt myself even more and I keep blaming myself.
We’re all not as strong as we think we are. We can only be strong for so long only to have breakdowns once in awhile and as how it happens all the time….
I know this heave will fade away..
I just have to brave through this one and be OKAY again.
**This was typed out of pure emotions so, if anything I said doesn’t make sense.. I apologise.
I don’t even know if I still have readers but here I am back to posting something…atleast.
I’m sorry if someone out there was anticipating my posts, life has been HECTIC.
And I’m sorry I can’t promise if I will be consistent again. Life is unpredictable. One moment you have everything set and the other minute you get a text or information bout something that just ruins everything.
A short (maybe), catch-up on what happened since I last updated:
School for the 2nd and now on my 3rd and last semester. I don’t know if I’m excited or worried or nervous, even, to finish this semester. There’s SO MUCH that I suddenly have to reconsider.
Met a guy and I’m serious bout this one. (<3)
Lots of more complications in life. (Its as if the older I get, the more complicated and difficult and MORE problems that just happen)
I’ve put more faith in God.
I try to keep my faith strong. ( I realised being in this new relationship makes me more dependent on God because I can’t predict whats gonna happen and I really just need His help to guide me and help me make this relationship last forever)
I feel like I’m actually turning into an adult because of all these things and responsibilities that I have to bear and things that before this I couldn’t do but now I have to pick up that courage to defend myself because I’m older.
I’ve become more impulsive and stubborn. (well more on impulsive)
I made GREATTTT soft chocolate chip cookies!!
It’s quite long if I were to tell everything that happened so that’s just a summary of what my brain could think of that happened.
Please pray for my health and please wish me luck in life because I need a LOT. There’s so much I need to do that goes against some stuff and goes against what I think I wouldn’t do but life has brought me to a point where I have to do it, if I want what I want.
She showed me an emoji with flower petals falling off the flower and said it resembles her soul.
After the talk…
I realised that maybe everyone of us has a flower inside us. It grows and feeds on positivity and joy to grow and shine.
But maybe with every sigh, every heart aches and emotional abuse that happens, a petal or 2 drops.
And at the end of the day.. we’re probably a wilted flower or a bright flower.
But don’t worry.
Every day is a new CHANCE.
Every day our flower blooms again into a new flower in hopes it’d be a better day.
And it will never stop growing each day without fail even though its a bad week, the flower keeps on going, keeps on hoping for a new chance every next day.
So, if things don’t work out today, we start over. We try and keep trying to make it better because the flower in us will never stop
Hye, Hello, I know I’ve been MIA-ing for super super long I dont know if I have people that are actually waiting for updates but if there is I am so so so sorry.
Hear me out.
This new life… This university life has been so so so tiring. I’m not even supposed to be busy blogging or enjoy because my finals is on Monday and I haven’t studied anything at all because eventhough it was my study-week, I had replacement classes and lots presentations. So, I’m finally done with that but there’s still Finals to come….and its so near.
I’m really worried I don’t have enough time and I just hope I pass. I really don’t want to retake anything hahaha. I just want to MOVE ON.
like what Ariana Grande says ” thank you,next”. Thank you for this semester, NEEEXXXXTTT.
Anyway,other than that, generally, I’ve been doing well I guess. I mean… is anyone ever doing good because life has lots of tricks up its sleeves and its a HUGE complicated roller coaster ride.
But overall, I guess I learned more, I appreciate more and I try more.
One of the recent realisation is that…
I should never put my happiness on someone. I also realised that I’m stronger being single. I realised that my emotions are my weakness, so its better to not engage in things that requires delicate emotions involved, such as love. And by that I mean relationships.
I’ll still have love for everything except being in love with a guy.
Well, I’m not exactly quitting the game and decide to be single forever and live with 10 cats (I can imagine my allergy being 10x worse……not good).
I’m just taking a break. I shouldn’t be wasting my youth hurting over and over again just because of some guy.
So now I’m just appreciating the company I have,especially my uni friends. THEY ARE AMAZING. I honestly don’t know how they put up with me but if “thank you’s” were in forms of cookies, I’d get them a hugeee basket full of it.
Also, I’ve started this new thing…….
Is not exactly a challenge, but I call it a challenge anyway.
I’d try to do new things for a week and see how it goes. If its good, I go on. If its not, then I stop.
Like umm.. Before this I’d straightened my hair every time after I wash it because curly hair is just…….. ALOT. (curly haired girls out there, I FEEL YOU)
But I decided to stop fighting back and just embrace it instead. And for that one week…it was kind of tough but IT DID spare me more energy and time. After awhile.. My hair started looking nice. I finally realise that my hair is actually pretty (Took me awhile… I know).
So now, my curls are more healthy and pretty although still WILD but..curly hair just comes with it no matter what.
SO, I do these “challenges” to keep gaining more benefits. Like, say, my confidence, my bravery and learning more about myself.
Bottom line, I’m trying to make peace and be fully tuned with myself. I want to fully embrace “ME”. I want to find happiness within.
Its not an easy journey. You don’t fully understand or learn about yourself in a day or two. It takes awhile because you keep changing. And maybe we will never fully understand ourselves but atleast… what we have helps alot.
Anyway, I think I might have ran out of what I initially planned to say (this is what happens when you’ve left blogging in a long time).
It’s getting late so I’m gonna sleep and I hope y’all have a great rest or a great day ahead!
So, on 28th of August, I completed my 2nd day of orientation at my new school (a.k.a University) .
So I’m just going to hope y’all know what orientation is.
I was very very nervous and excited to start Uni because I am DEFINITELY over the phase of just lazing around at home and having nothing to do and just being so unproductive. I literally wanted to be back in school (I know…that is sooo not me but…well…I was kinda desperate).
So the day finally came and when my mum dropped me off, I walked inside while convincing myself it was going to be okay, I was going to change. I will be friendly (despite being a really shy person), I will TRY to talk, and I told myself maybe it wasn’t going to be that bad. Blablabla all that mental pep talk, you get the gist.
So I got into the room where the briefing and activity is held,and the moment I stepped in… to be honest, I went “oh shit.”
When I said I wanted to be in a Uni where it has more diversity in races I didn’t mean ME, being among the only 3 or 4 Malays there.
I can GUARANTEE that 80% of them were Chinese and 16% were Indian and the rest is….. my race.
This is when the phrase ” be careful for what you’ve wished for ” hit to me like a truck.
But, ya know, I woke up with a positive mindset so, I brave myself through it.
So, all the way from the morning until the lunch break I was ABSOLUTELY ALONE.
The minute I got to the student lounge for lunch…. that was the second “oh shit” of the day.
Almost all the places are taken up and people are sitting with their own races or friends. So I just immediately felt like I can’t do this. So I went to see my consultant which is a REALLY sweet lady and she even offered to sit with me at the student lounge but I was…ya know.. it felt kinda awkward, but anyway, she had some work to do so she couldn’t accompany me. So after meeting her I picked up my really heavy courage that fell to the floor and walked back to the student lounge. And by that time there was more empty spaces since most of them were done with lunch. The nearest table had a few empty seats and I dragged my feet to ask if the seat was taken. It wasn’t. So I sat there and made a bit of a conversation with this Indian girl that seemed familiar. (oh I forgot to mention there were 2 Indian girls and an Indian guy at the table).
But that was it. Just small talks and they continued talking in their language completely ignoring me. The awkwardness level was OFF the chart! I spammed text my best friend which was states away, just so it seems like I’m busy on the phone. A few moments later, they got up and left the table and I WAS ALONE AT THE TABLE.
My heart was pounding. I felt like a spotlight was shone on me with like a capital ‘LONER’ on top of my head.
Also I forgot to mentioned that I was there since 9am and it ended at 4pm. And the only thing I had for breakfast was 3 cookies and a small piece of chocolate and water.
There were food but because I was too much of a coward and the immense shyness over me, I didn’t eat. I just took a cup of orange juice, and that was it.
So I sat there alone on my phone,with an empty cup in front of me just feeling anxious UNTIL, a girl approached me and asked if I wanted to check out the club booth.
At that moment I thank the LORD for helping me. And ofcourse I was like ” yea sure”.
And since then, we’re friends. Also I made another 2 friends over the span of those 2 days. 2 Eurasian and 1 Iban. I AM DELIGHTED. And all of them are super awesome and nice to be with, and we even have a group chat now :’)
So, fast forward,basically, what happened after that, we had some briefing and speech and we did some activities with our seniors for like HOURS! It was challenging for someone like me but at the end of day two, I felt great.
So what I want to say here is that..
You know how people always say the Uni life will change you?
I’m going to make that a reality.
I will use these years to change myself.
It’s time for me to push myself and step out of my comfort zone and be the best I can, also being someone that I’ve always wished I could be.
I know I used to think that I should find myself a great prince charming and have a happily ever after…….
I’m trying to change and correct that.
I no longer will think of marriage until I’m done with my studies and get a job and be financially stable.
I’m gonna try to achieve what I want,spend time and money on myself,go see the world and once I’m done, I’ll settle down.
I really want to just focus on studies and improving myself and be independent.
I don’t want to be tied down to any commitments unless its to myself.
I don’t want to just find the love of my life,get married and have kids….that just won’t suffice.
It just doesn’t feel like its enough.
I want to do good to myself. Its time to put myself first.
I’m not gonna go through hell and not have time to spend on myself. That’s just not gonna happen.
I realised that teens in my country thinks that finding a great man and getting married is the biggest achievement and you could be content with that. I’m guilty of thinking the same but I realised that…
Its not right. That shouldn’t be a goal.
Your goal is supposed to be FOR YOU. Something that benefits YOU.
*writers block is here to stay* *suddenly blank*
Anyway, I’ll try my best to focus on my goals and studies. And I know one day,life happens and maybe I won’t be able to do what I wanted and maybe life puts me in a path where I have to be married first, then achieve my goals…who knows…anything can happen.
But until then…. this will be my new goal that I really want to achieve.
I can’t believe there are still parents that would marry their daughter off!
Now I’m talking bout this topic because it is something close to me and let me just be frank…….
Sadly,this is happening to me.
I’m so young. I want to further my studies, I want to pursue my dreams, I want to get a great job,I want to live my life independently, I wan to enjoy my single life,maybe go traveling and then..lastly, I’ll think of settling down with a person whom I truly love and when I’m financially stable and maybe think of having my own kids.
Marriage is not something you can force someone to just dive in and expect to be okay.
Its a lot of responsibilities. A LOT.
I’m not just gonna be tied down to a man and be forced to be his maid. I will not stay home cleaning up after him and looking after him. NO NUH UH NOT HAPPENING!!
I will only do that because I love him and I WANT to.
Its sad to know that my parents still have an outdated mindset.
You could be fine with doing that back in your age but I’m someone else, we are DIFFERENT.
And if you think I’m incapable of finding a nice guy by myself then clearly you don’t know me well.
I know who I want to be with rather than be with someone who I don’t even know. How should I love him??
I just CAN’T!! JUST STOP!
Reason why I’m so stressed out is because I was so close to be married off. I prayed so hard the guy wouldn’t accept me. And THANK GOD he didn’t.
I will not let my freedom and independence be taken away from me. I shall not conform.
*sighs* honestly I’m so done.
If this thing persists, I might just run away from home. I can’t respect someone who won’t respect me. Even though I love them so much and I have tried being such a good daughter… I just can’t….
It’s too much.
Also there’s actually a lot more I could talk about but I don’t think my fingers can keep up. I could make a whole 3 chapter.